falling to p i e c e s
by a beautiful catastrophe
Summary: the only thing that seemed important to her now was one question. what is the purpose of living if you have nothing to live for? / marlene lives, hurts and loves.


**falling to pieces**  
_for sylvia. thank you to sam for beta-ing this!_

"you hunted me down  
like a wolf, a predator  
i felt like a deer in love lights"

—_david guetta, she wolf_

* * *

**i. feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.**

_S_he is slowly falling apart.

There were days where she thought she'd be okay, not forever, maybe just for a little while. Just maybe. But those days where she was alright slowly faded, and became rarer and rarer, and rarer as time progressed.

But as those days faded away, so did her hope.

Her hope was gone like a wave crashing on the shore, like a blink of an eye.

Nothing was okay.

* * *

**ii. loss of interest in daily activities.**

Everything Marlene had ever lived for had just lost its importance; everything seemed so trivial. Quidditch felt like punishment, drawing, sketching and painting felt like a chore, and the Strelitzia flowers that she'd always loved that sat on her bedside table had lost their vibrancy.

The only thing that seemed important to her now was one question.

_what is the purpose of living if you have nothing to live for?_

* * *

**iii. appetite or weight changes.**

_i have to be skinny,_ Marlene thought, looking at herself in the mirror.

Pale skin, blonde hair and blue eyes.

_you're so ugly, so plain, so boring. who are you compared to anyone else? _she thinks, her nails clawing into her thigh. _why can't you be like any of the other girls? why can't you look more like lily? why can't you be beautiful?_

Her conscience spits only words of disgust and hatred at her, and she can't take them anymore. She is fragile, so fragile, too fragile. Like china. She is only a teenage girl, one in several billion. A girl can only take so much before she breaks.

And she hits her breaking point then — she feels that feeling of nausea build up in her chest, and oh, how it burns—

She is stumbling for something to grasp onto, something, anything.

Hot tears are pricking at the back of her eyes, and that nausea wave is getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger.

The next thing she knows, her cheek is pressed against the cool porcelain of the toilet seat, and the wave of nausea in her chest is gone, but it's replaced by a black void of despair, pulling her down like a current.

It doesn't feel better at all.

* * *

**iv. sleep changes.**

In the mornings, she can't get up.

Is it because each day is too much to bear? Is it because each day hurts too much?

She doesn't know the answer to why she dreads each day.

All she knows is that when the sun rises, she will hurt, and when the moon shines an aura of ghostly paleness upon her, she might be alright for a second or so. Night is her ally, and day is her enemy.

When the light of day filters through the curtains, she is at her weakest.

* * *

**v. anger or irritability.**

"Hey, Marly, can you pass me the cornflakes?" her father asks her, as he glances down at the newspaper in front of him.

"Don't call me that," Marlene snaps irritably. "I'm much too old to be called that anymore."

"How old are you then? A million?" her brother, Marc, asks sarcastically, rolling his eyes, "Merlin, Marlene, you used to be a lot more fun."

"Did I really?" Marlene crosses her arms over her chest.

"You did," her other brother, Max, confirms, attempting to be somewhat wise but failing.

"Says the uptight, no fun, goody two shoes prefect," Marc counters, smirking.

"I am not—" Max begins hotly, before he is cut off by their father.

"Could someone pass me the cornflakes?" their father asks again, mildly annoyed.

* * *

**vi. loss of energy.**

"EVERYONE! FIVE LAPS AROUND THE PITCH — RIGHT NOW! GO, GO, GO! HURRY UP, SANDERS, DON'T JUST STAND THERE! SIRIUS, MATE, WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE! THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME FOR LAUGHS AND JOKE AFTER PRACTICE! CALTERWOOD, YOU TOO!" James screams at everyone on the pitch.

Quidditch practice for Gryffindor is tough when you have a psychopath for a Quidditch captain, but majority of the team are used to it.

Majority being everyone apart from Marlene.

"OI! MARLENE! FASTER! DON'T THINK YOU'RE AN EXCEPTION! SAME WITH YOU, VANCE!"

Marlene runs faster. Just a tiny bit faster. Her heart is pounding so hard and fast in her chest, she can feel it throb and hear it pulse.

_run faster, you ugly bitch. run faster if you want to be skinny, if you want to be beautiful. faster...skinny... _a voice in her head tells her. The voice repeats the words like a pledge, an anthem.

She is driving herself to insanity. But still she runs.

_i will not lose myself to this horrible voice. i will still stand. i will not fall, _she thinks, trying to block out that voice. _i will not fall._

_faster...skinny...run faster if you want to be skinny, darling. run..._

_i will not fall._

_if you want to be skinny..._

_i will not fall. i will stand._

_be skinny...shed a few pounds, dear, thank your captain, your friend, james..._

_i will not fall. i will be okay._

_you know you would like to be skinny..._

_i will not fall. i will not fall. i can't fall._

_bitch, please. be skinny._

She continues to run. But as she finishes the lap, she collapses into a heap, and all she sees is darkness; everything fades to black.

* * *

**vii. self-loathing.**

She hates herself so much.

She hates herself because she is imperfect, and when you are the daughter of one of the most influential politicians in the Wizarding World, imperfection isn't really an option.

So she pretends.

She pretends that she's alright. She pretends she's not dying inside, not unhappy, not torn to pieces. She masks her tears behind giggles, and hugs, and kisses on cheeks.

_why am i the only one that is so unhappy? why did god make me this way? why? _she thinks.

Every time when she smiles, it's fake. But when someone like Lily or Alice smiles, it's genuine.

And it kills her just the slightest bit more when they do, because she just can't do that.

* * *

**viii. reckless behavior.**

She drinks alcohol all the time. Whether it's firewhiskey, Muggle beer, wine, Irish liquor or vodka, it doesn't matter.

Some days, she'll drink a whole bottle, and others, she'll only have a shot. There are days where she limits herself to a glass just in case someone finds her drunk or tipsy, but then ends up drinking several bottles.

One day, she drinks too much, just a little too much.

Sirius Black ends up finding her.

"Are you okay?"

She tells him the truth.

"No, Sirius, I'm not okay. I'm dying inside."

* * *

**ix. concentration problems.**

During class, she can't listen to more than half a sentence of what the teacher is saying, before blanking out.

For most of class, she just sits there, and stares blankly at the professor, teaching, although there are a few odd days where she just falls asleep in class, only to be woken up by a sharp jab in the rib from Lily.

There's _always_ one class in the day in which the professor picks up on Marlene's terrible concentration.

And on those days, Lily is _always_ sitting next to her, secretly passing her a note with the answer on it.

* * *

**x. unexplained aches and pains.**

She's hurting. Physically and mentally.

Whether it's a backache, a headache or a stomachache. She doesn't know why they are happening.

Is it because she's studying too hard? Is it because James is pushing her too hard in Quidditch? Is it because she's not getting enough sleep?

All of those are possible theories, but she's really not sure.

* * *

**xi. falling rain.**

It dances across her brain like falling rain, and never leaves. It's like a storm is brewing up inside her head.

The fact that he kissed her the other day is always on her mind.

_does he like me in the same way i like him? does he feel the same way i feel about him? does he want me? do i ever cross his mind? _those questions float across her mind everysingle day, and not knowing the answers to any of the questions are like wounds, open until they are healed by knowing the answer.

But eventually, not knowing the answers don't matter, because her brain has already formulated lies to answer all of the questions.

_sweetheart, he doesn't like you. sirius doesn't like you. you were just a distraction, a toy, a game. he doesn't want anything to do with you. he's probably not thinking hard about this like you are. you're so damned insecure, darling._

* * *

**xii. someone rescue me.**

_this is what you want, _she thinks, _don't turn back now._

She's standing at the top of the Astronomy Tower. The wind is strong and is blowing harshly. Her hair is flying wildly around her face, which is fixed in a determined expression.

_don't turn back, you can't. you decided. if you do this, you can prove you're not a coward._

Secretly, deep inside, a part of her wants someone to come and rescue her and save her from this terrible nightmare. But she knows it won't happen.

Marlene walks closer to the edge of the tower now, she's teetering on the edge like a porcelain tea cup about to fall off the shelf, ready to shatter.

Then she jumps; she's about to shatter.

She's flying, flying high.

But then she falls.

* * *

**xiii. scared and lonely.**

Sirius waits.

He waits for her to show some form of life, whether it's smiling, or laughing, or frowning. Rather, some form of emotion apart from that blank, pale face she wears as she lies on the hospital bed.

He brings two of his fingers up to the lower part of her neck and checks her pulse, to remind himself that she's still alive, and that she'll wake up, no matter how hard the damage done to her is.

For a moment, he can't feel her pulse and he's scared that she's gone.

But then it returns, and he is relieved.

* * *

**xiv. enough.**

"Why did you leave me? Why?" he asks quietly, drawing circles on her hand with the tips of his fingers.

"I thought you didn't want me," she says softly.

"I would want you even if you were a vampire, a merperson or a werewolf, sweetheart. I love you."

Those last three words were enough to keep her sane for a little while. But little while was enough.

* * *

**a/n: **_so hi. really sorry that i've been so inactive for the past few weeks, school is being a pain. i promise i will get around to updating and reviewing all the fics i'm supposed to. this oneshot is based on the song _**she** **wolf (falling** **to pieces)**_ by _**david** **guetta** **feat**. **sia**_, but section xii. is based on_** s.o.s (rescue me)**_ by _**rihanna, **_xiii is based on_** scared **_by_** three days grace, **_and xiv. is based on_** we found love **_by_** rihanna **_(again). also, credit to a website i used for the some of the subtitles, which were signs of depression._

_also, hugs and cookies to sylvia whose birthday was on the eight of january. this is a belated birthday present to her - happy belated birthday!_

_and whoever made it to the bottom of the page and read my really long rambling author's note, i salute you. leave a review please and thank you? okay? okay._

_ta-ta, lovely people!_


End file.
